The Hardest Part

Getting married has by far been the best thing to happen so far in my life, with it has brought happiness, excitement and above all love.  I am truly blessed that I am marrying a man that makes me a better person and that loves me unconditionally.

Despite all of this joy, there is one thing that will be one of the hardest things to come to grips with, the fact that my dad will not be there.  My father passed away unexpectedly two days before my college graduation at the young age of 49, leaving behind my mom and seven children.  Our relationship was often a bit rocky, so not being able to say goodbye and get closure haunted me for years.  It has taken years (I mean years) to try to understand why something so awful could happen to my family, honestly I am still unsure.  There are so many things that my father has missed, my younger siblings growing up, birthdays, holidays, engagements, the birth of my nephew and now our wedding.  It is heart-breaking to know that he will not be able to walk me down the aisle, meet my wonderful fiancé and see us live a happy life together.  He will be sorely missed at our wedding, there will undoubtedly be a gaping hole.  I am blessed that I have two amazing brothers to walk me down the aisle, both who I have seen tower over me as the years have passed. I know that my father is looking down and I know that he will be there in spirit, but honestly that is the hardest part.  I miss my dad terribly and even though he is gone, he is not forgotten.

I am a firm believer in signs.  My sister gave me a part of her peace lily from his funeral three years ago after we settled into a place of our it.  It sits in my office, day in and day out not doing much, however one day last April I walked into my office and two flowers had appeared practically over night.  Typically April was a month that I dreaded, it was the month that he passed away, however last April a few happy events occurred,  I got engaged and my sister welcomed my nephew into the world.  The following months it was dormant until two days ago, I saw the beginnings of a new flower.  Just seeing that made me happy, almost at peace. I truly felt his presence and for that I am grateful and I know that he will be with me on my wedding day.